Aging: A Story about Love

Terra Vina Vineyard

Young love is somehow pushed aside as we grow older. It gets harder and harder to remember what that was like...well at least for me.

But, there are people out there that have such a powerful story to tell that the look on their faces tells me that they have not forgotten and never will.

Yesterday my husband and I attended a wine dinner set among the vines with the misty valley spread out below. We sat across the table from a couple about our age. His name was Peter. I have never know a Peter so the visit began.

Then he introduced his wife. Minila she said when I asked her to repeat her name. It flowed off her tongue with an accent I didn't recognize. I'm a Czech she said quickly.

Are you a Czech too Peter? I asked. No, he said. I come from Portland. 

But how....?

We were pen pals was his response. He asked Do you really want to hear this story?

Well yes I did...yes I did!

Pen pals? I have never know anyone to marry their pen pal. I have never know anyone named Peter. I have never know anyone that got married when one of them lived in Portland and the other in Czechoslovakia. How did that happen?

The wonder of it all was that he was not in the military He was going to Lewis and Clark when he decided that he wanted a pen pal that spoke German. He read a magazine called USSR and came up with the idea that maybe a magazine could help. How about a magazine from Poland? That was close enough. So he wrote to a magazine called simply "Poland" suggesting they add a pen pal column to their magazine.

But there was no answer, he changed colleges and gave up on the idea. It was about that time he decided to go to Vienna to study that Lewis and Clark began getting mail for him from Europe...lots of mail. It came and came...so many letters he could not keep up with them.

But he did open them and finally selected one from a girl from Czechoslovakia. She wrote beautiful English. It was Minila. The year was 1965. He began giving all the other letters away to friends until he ran out of friends.

She was barely out of high school when she decided to find a pen pal from the United States so she could practice her English because she wanted to study the language in college. She saw the pen pal column in a magazine.

Two prospects popped up...one from New York City and another from Portland, Oregon. Her father wouldn't let her answer the NYC fellow...he will be over here in a flash he told her. The guy from Portland was selected. He will never make it here from that far was her father's thinking.

When the first letter from her arrived in Portland, Peter answered right back and told her he would be in Vienna in a month. Could he come and see her? Needless to say, her father was worried.

After Peter visited her on four different occasions, one bringing along his father and mother, they became engaged.

They are still in love, share the food off their plates and finish each other's sentences. They have been married for 53 years. I am in love with their story. Wow!

Life is good!

Have you ever had a pen pal?

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Happiness is Hard Work...Life is not Infinite... and other thoughts from out here where the rubber meets the road!

•  If spouses/partners don't compromise a little, they may miss their chance at happiness. People do die you know...especially when they reach retirement age!

• A friend of mine had a son that said that he was NEVER getting married...it required too many compromises and he was not willing to do that.


• I am not an expert on anything but life. I've been married 57 (almost) years but what do I know? I am only a retired educator living the life day after day after day.

Tom Sighting wrote an article that appeared in US News and World report a while back that caught my interest. 5 Ways to be Happier When You Retire set forth some very good common sense ways to make your retirement what you want it to be. I think about that sort of thing. Making each day count is important. My husband and I have been retired for over 20 years so we have worked through the reality of retirement and now we are pursuing those 5 ways to be Happy for ourselves.

But, it wasn't until we have learned to compromise and to find a path down the middle that we were both as happy as we could be. Retirees should remember that the cart doesn't go in front of the horse!

Happiness is a hard won prize!

If you have been retired for any length of time, you know that the path to happiness is not the same for any two people. We all have ways to remain content...if we don't, we only have ourselves to blame. BUT...and here is the big "rock in the road" part...people who are married or living with a partner and are not of one mind may have some problems. If each person's path is different, it only follows that partners might need to compromise.

That is really hard. A friend of mine had a son that said that he was NEVER getting married...it required too many compromises and he was not willing to do that. That young man is nearly grown now, in college and becoming the mature person he should be. Unfortunately, many of us never arrive at a place where compromise is even possible. I have seen it over and over in my retirement life.

So, is there a way to arrive at compromises with out compromising our own life altogether? I wonder.

There was a couple that were enticed by friends to spend the winter in our RV resort...or I should say a golfing friend of the husband convinced him to come and play with him in Arizona. The guys decided to spend the winter golfing and somehow the wife agreed to come. When they arrive in Arizona, the man played golf...all of the time with his friends. The wife quilted...all of-the time...alone.

Now here is the deal...you can quilt in Minnesota in the winter but you probably don't want to golf. He was in seventh heaven and she was furious all-of-the-time. She missed her grandchildren and friends and church. He wanted to golf in the winter and she wanted to stay in Minnesota. No one was giving an inch. She complained to anyone that would listen. It was not fair in her eyes.

What do you think? Did she know how she was going to feel before she left? Did she realize how much time she was going to spend alone or in the company of the other mans wife? I thought not.

Here is the thing about being happy in retirement when you are in a relationship...no one gets to be happy all of the time. Make sign...hang it on the wall...both people have to compromise otherwise it is not going to work out.

In an article appearing in Psychology Today, Leon Seltzer, PH.D (Compromise Made Simple....), pointed out a given when it comes to working out marriage problems no matter how old you are. He wrote:

It makes very little sense to fight about what’s fair. For what feels fair to one party might yet feel grossly unfair to the other. In the end, the only thing that matters is that the solution arrived at feel fair to both of you.

Then he talked about chewing it over and over with the girl friends or the golfing buddies.

Moreover, it hardly matters what anybody else might think. For if you and your partner see your final agreement as equitable, then (for all intents and purposes) it is equitable. That is, no external confirmation is “called for.”

In the case of the couple I talked about above, I am sure that everyone that reads this will have a different solution. I kind of wanted to smack the man but it was not my business. A man, on the other hand, might have thought that she was being selfish by ruining her husband's fun. It was his dream to retire and play golf...period. He had worked hard for a very long time after all. (I know...so did she.)

Here are 5 random thoughts about a retirement life you might want to think about:

1. The practical part of the issue is that retirees needed to compromise...simple as that. I think the wife in the couple I mentioned would have been happy if they could have done other things while they were there or if she could have flown home for a visit or flown a grandchild to spend some time in the sun. He would have been happier because he didn't have to endure her anger.
2. Remember that averting an argument is better that settling one. Talk about what you feel before you  jump into something you have already decided you will hate.
3. We are not happy all of the time...so in many cases it is a matter of finding a way to be happy even when our life is not perfect. (Does that make sense.) Tom Sightings had some good ideas. 
4. Could it be that being retired requires too much together time? Even finding a way to go separate ways...maybe playing a little golf...and come back together can rekindle romance and keep a relationship interesting.
5. Don''t let it fester...anger is very bad for our health. Please find a way to communicate.

I suppose there are some deal breakers that happen when people retire but I know that most couples don't demand that they have their own way all of the time.

Hearing a wife/husband say that they think the other would like to travel/move/learn to fly but the wife/husband is not ready to leave the grandchildren/horses/bridge club reminds me that life is not infinite. Compromise will let everyone have part of the day just the way they want it. If they don't give a little, they miss their chance. Spouses do die you know!

I've been married 57 (almost) years but what do I know? I am only a retired educator living the life day after day after day. It's just a thought.

What do you think?

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Was That Fun?

I played golf today. Golfing is not a natural talent for me at all. I struggle now just like I have for the last 20 years. It seems to me that I might be asking myself, "Was that fun?". If it isn't, why do I keep playing?

As I drove into my carport with the golf game still on my mind, I was wondering how many things that I choose to do during the week fall into the "fun" column. In fact, is there even one thing I do that makes me laugh? Good question don't you think.

Happiness is part of a well lived life I think. But is fun a necessary ingredient for happiness? I wonder.

I like to play golf and if I get to actually laugh and have fun doing it, it is a bonus. But I will not quit if I play a round or two with unsmiling women. The actual act of golfing makes me happy.

Writing is one of my favorite things to do but it does not generally fall into the "fun" category either. I do really like the conversations with commenters. That is fun I think.

I like to cook, watch TV, read, shop, throw a party and walk. I suppose each one of those can be fun on occasion....but not always.

So what do you think...is "fun" overrated? Do we need to be feeling jolly to be happy. Or is it enough to be content or simply enjoying oneself? You tell me.

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Happiness: Sorry, You Have to Share the 10!

Retirement is all about compromise especially if you are married or in a relationship. But it is a lot easier if both partners are on the same page. When they aren't, the outcome is misery for everyone.

So on a scale of 1-10 how happy are you? Are you married or in a relationship? How happy is your spouse or partner? Do the same things make you both happy? Or do you see things very differently.

What if I were to tell you that when you see things differently, the happiness scales changes? When it comes to expectations for happiness, you only get a total of 10 between the two of you.  So if you are feeling about 8 then the other person in your life is probably only at 2.

It seems that this is the way a lot of retirement relationships work. There is no clear vision of who calls the shots or how relationships should work. Each feels the other needs to lighten up. The other doesn't see the need for doing anything at all so they are thinking "What?". Nobody is really happy and they are both feeling their happiness level at about 5.

But, lets say that one morning in May one of the partners is in a very good mood and decides to make the other happy. Momentarily the scales go wonky and both are at 8 (although that is impossible because the scale doen't go to 16 so it can't last for long). That is when one stays at an 8 and the other sinks down to a 2. If they see things differently, both cannot be happy at the same time. One will get what they want and the other will not.

Or what if one person is a greedy nester. The greedy nester is happiest when every thing they want is at their finger tips or under their control. They pile everything around them and guard the pile vigilantly. The other needs to nest too but all the nesting material is being used up and nothing is left for them. (If you can imagine the nesting material might be money, where you live, how your days are spent, etc.) The scale tips dramatically when all of something is controlled or consumed by one partner. If there is only nesting materials equal to 10 and one partner is controlling all of the 10, that one person is using more than their share and it is not really even fair. Even as a reader I am sure you don't think it is fair either.

It is a little frightening when you think about it. I was surprised when this was pointed out to me. What if I knew that when I am happy my husband is miserable? I would not like that and something would have to change. What do you think? Is there only so much happiness to go around at your house?  How much nesting material do you control?

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Down Sizing in Real Life

Deciding to downsize to a 55+ community was a wonderful decision for us. But not so many years ago I was put off by the idea of being around "old people" ALL of the time. Now I look around in my 55+ community and everyone looks just like me. Here is a little bit about our journey and how it has worked for us.

Why Did We Downsized When We Did?
My husband and I actually downsized twice. The first time we moved because we were still young (60 and 64) and wanted to try out a new lifestyle. We did not think it was our "last" move and we did not choose a house because it was a place we could grow old in.  That made the moves easier. We were downsizing without realizing.

We were empty nesters and our frugal side told us that we did not need nor did we want four bedrooms, a family room or even a basement. We were done cleaning and doing the giant amount of yard work. No amount of sentimentality could over come the practical part. We gave up our yard and moved into a condo.  The community was young, hip and new. We liked that a lot.

Then we traveled.

Ten years went by and we were tired of all the travel. We realized that practical needed to guide our lives again. It turned out we missed our yard and the exercise we got when we worked outside. We realized what a barrier steps would be if we were ill or injured and our condo was built on four levels. That fear presented itself when I fell on a golf course and sprained my ankle severely. We decided that the time had come to live on one level again. It was so painfully obvious it was not even a choice anymore. It was what we needed. That was when we moved into a 55+ neighborhood. We have lived here for almost 2 years now. I was 69 and my husband was 73.

Where?
This brings me to Contentment. Contentment is an actual place in my mind. The place is relaxing, happy, comfortable and you fit in with the people around you. The trouble with the place called "Contentment" it is ever changing.  You cannot recognize that a new place might have that name until you are ready. It might be an apartment, a small house in the woods, a retirement community or even an assisted living facility. You might think today as you look into the future that you would hate one or the other of these choices. BUT...on the day or week that any one of those is right for you, you will be happy to be living there. It will be where you belong. But not yet if you are not ready. We have found that all of our living situation have been unique to a particular time in our lives. What we loved when we were very young is not what we want now.

That brings me to the people I suppose. The people that you are surrounded by can be a real deal breaker. That is why some are so horrified to think about living in a place where everyone is old or young or loud or even of a different nationality. It is all about the people. When I open my door I am very glad to see the person from across the street.  How would you feel about looking out the window and seeing your neighbors walking by? Many of my neighbors are using walkers now but I don't care. I don't think I would have felt that way when I was younger.

When you retire, you give up a world of people that have a lot in common with you. After that you may find a hole in your life. So who would you like to hang out with at this stage of your life. Would it be people that share your life experience, age mates for example? That is what we discovered we liked.

We were like many of you. We did not want to be with old people all of the time. I remember staying in a 55+ town where everyone within the city limits was 55 or older...much older. There were no public parks with play ground equipment or even a school. The grocery was filled with nothing but old people. It was almost spooky. I wanted to drive to the nearest town and stop at a school so I could watch children play. It drove me nuts! It was just too much of a good thing.

Then we took our Motor Home to a RV resort that was 55+. Grandchildren visited, we were near schools and neighborhoods with families. The grocery stores were used by every age. We discovered that we were at home there. The neighbors were age mates. We shared common experiences even though we came from every walk of life. It was such a positive experience that we began to think about finding a similar place back in our home state.

But that was not easy. Even though the boomers are coming into their old age we found there was not much choice in the area where we wanted to live when we decided on downsizing again. But, as with most things, it all worked out. There were two houses for sale in a very small neighborhood two blocks from our daughter. Both were all on one level, had a small yard and the covenants required that you be 55 or older. We chose one and made the move.

Our 55+ neighborhood is near a much larger neighborhood that is home to families, schools, pools and a community center.  Our neighborhood shares garage sale days and walking paths with them. It is just close enough to young people to make our area seem alive and vital.

We think our neighbors are older than we are but we seem to fit right in. We both are very active and think young even though we may not be as young as we feel. The truth is we look like everyone else. In the end the important thing is we are happy.  We live in our current version of a place called "Contentment".

My private back yard.

How?
Down sizing is not something people do without realizing what they are going to sacrifice. Memories, things and even neighbors all come into play. They also worry about their physical ability to do what is necessary. Even though they want to downsize they are stuck! This is what I have discovered:

1. Memories go with you no matter where you live. I carry those in my mind and in pictures. 
2. Worldly possession are just that. I know you might think I am nuts, but you will actually be relieved when you have less to dust or store. If you think you can't part with "stuff", put it in storage for a while and if you don't go look at it or even think about it again, give away.
3. Neighbors are a little harder. But if they are age mates, they will be doing the same thing you a thinking of doing. Remember God gave us cars, taxis and public transportation for a reason. Gather together for special dinners on a schedule. I think you will find that the need to get together lessens with time. 



My visiting patio in the front yard!

4. As for the physical part, I need you to remember that this move is like eating an elephant. Take very small bites. It is doable if you just do it a tiny bit each day. If you and your children have a good relationship, they will help. 

This part of our life is ever changing. Each time I talk about down sizing or living in a small space I am reminded that the story is never the same. It is always good to have the conversation. Change is a good thing for many reasons and it reminds us that we do have choices, nothing is forever and we can't predict the future until it is not the future anymore. 

Be well.

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Links: Retire in Style Blog posts labeled Down Sizing

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You Don't need to be Bored in Retirement! Hobbies

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Learning to draw on my ipad!

I heard from a Keith of Keith's Ramblings the other day.  He has just retired and commented on his own blog that he was already bored!  Being the helpful person I am, I suggested he become a clown.  He could join the circus!

Even though I was only joking, in some small way I was serious.  Have you ever dreamed of being a clown...or a writer or a pro-golfer?  Retirement is the time when you can pursue those dreams. The fact that you do not need the income frees you to do what you want without fear of starving!  All you have to do is start.  But being bored really should not be a choice.  You may have a little let down when you retire but before long you will begin thinking about what you will do next.  Retirement will last a long time so "next" is the key word here.

I always wanted to be a writer.  I woke up every morning for years with the first line of the next great American novel on my lips.  My regret now is that I didn't keep a list of those "first" lines.  Peanut's Snoopy and I could have compared notes.  When my husband and I retired, my son suggested that I begin blogging.  We were traveling at the time so I just began talking to my grandchildren by way of the internet.  That dream blog evolved into stories, poetry and eventually this blog about all that retirement holds.

Would you believe that the thing that bothered me the most in the beginning was my keyboarding skills? I wanted to publish what I wrote immediately but being my own editor was harder than I ever dreamed.  Those first few years of writing look so shabby to me now.  I am sure that what I write today will look that way to me in a few years too.

What I have learned is that I am happier when I am busy.  I can still learn with practice so new things don't frighten me anymore.  If for no other reason than happiness, starting a new thing that you can become passionate and even a little obsessed is a good thing.  Being involved will keep you off the streets. Last of all, practice will make you better, stronger and more confident.

Don't tell me you are bored!  Didn't you always want to be a clown?  Today is the day!

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Technorati Tags: happiness, ipad, blogs, avocations, bored

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MSNBC on 5 keys to happiness!

Amaze
Frail
Sacred

Is this what it feels like to be old?  My daughter-in-law asked the question...not of us but of the universe in general.  She is the mother of a new baby plus 4 other children,in her middle thirties, and a professional.  She is not old...she is just a busy woman doing a lot every day.

As for feeling old...I can't say what that feels like.  Everyone needs to answer that question if they feel they must.  This morning msnbc.msn.com posted an article about happiness and how you find it for yourself.  We all know that happiness is a frail emotion that can be crumpled with the raise of an eyebrow.  But it can be invoked MSNBC says. How?  Information from MSNBC "5 things that make you happier":

• Be grateful. Cicero said Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.  I think he could have added It is the key to wellness and happiness.
• Be optimistic.  "...visualize an ideal future...and describe the image in a journal entry."
• Count your blessings.  "People who practice writing down three good things that have happened to them every week show significant boosts in happiness, studies have found."
• Use your strengths.  Have a good sense of humor?  Learn a new joke!  Remember if it makes you laugh that is good enough...nothing is sacred!
• Commit acts of kindness. "It turns out helping others also helps ourselves." 

Consciously doing these things are effective ways to find true happiness in your life...lighten your burden, your attitude, your pain...it truly is simple.  At least I have found it to be so in my life.  You might give it a try.

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