What is an essential father?

My Mother and Father
on my wedding day.

In today's world we have found a million way to replace almost every human endeavor. Robots, daycare, machines and even driverless cars are all around us. It is hard to imagine that any person in our life would essential to our survival.

But there was a time when the people around us were there for the purpose of keeping us alive and well. Today I am thinking about my beautiful father.

I could use all those superlative that people use when they describe their parent both bad and good. But that is not what this about. This about the reality of life during a time when humans were essential to us...remember?

My dad loved ice cream in the middle of a half cantaloupe and he shook the sand out of his shoes in the middle of the living room floor. He made kites and wrestled with grandchildren but never hurt them. His smile was full of mischief and his heart was full of love. And, without him in my young life my mother and I would not have survived in any tolerable way.

He worked in a mining operation that made cement in a far corner of eastern Oregon. He was the lead electrician. His job involved riding in a tram bucket to a quarry across a canyon or taking a very long hike and ending in the same place. He was on top of a huge kiln that exploded breaking his ankle. He spent his overtime hours working on a conveyor belt in the dark with a flashlight and no help.

When he did not come home, I remember the knot in my stomach and standing with my mother watching for his car headlights.

He was, in the truest words, an essential father.

He lived to be about 75 years old and still had drawings of project in his pocket when he died
. I admired and loved him then and I still do. How could anyone not treasure a person like him?

Happy Father's Day.

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Happiness At Whose Expense?

Fall 2015...Travel to Napa Valley on our way to Tucson AZ

It seems that everything has a cost. Even the freedom of retirement comes with a price tag. Hopefully, someone in the retirees family is not paying dearly. But that is what happens many, many times.

Restaurant in Rutherford Ca.

One of my commenters said something the other day that made me stop and think about the price paid for being happy. I told about our snowbird lifestyle and how free we were. She said that freedom had so many meanings for her but being free to travel was not something she was going to get to do for a while. She said:

Right now, we are the somewhat caregivers of my elderly parents who reside in a nursing home. My sister didn't want to help so she felt FREE to move 1,000 away.  

One sibling simply left town and did not offer to return so the other sibling could have a month or two of respite. It seems very unfair doesn't it? I don't know the whole story in that particular case but I do know about my own life.

In order for my husband and I to leave Oregon for six months, our children take on the responsibility of checking on our house. At one time our cat lived with my daughter for the winter. She finally told me that the cat needed to learn to travel because my plan was not working for anyone. We did take the cat from then on and it was a lot of fun for us.

Parents are often willing to grasp happiness at the expense of their children. Our story of the cat is just a small taste of what can be done. They will expect support so they can live beyond their means. Or they will expect to move in with their children when they wish or invite themselves for extended stays. The list of Parental Sins are endless as we grow old.

So I am here to ask you, "What would be the price for your total happiness and who will be paying for it...you or someone else?"

It is just a thought.

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Technorati tags: Am I just naive? Bath Salts? Really?

See, I am the kind of person that drinks a glass of water when I feel bad.  Hydration is cool...right?  When I was looking at technorati this morning trying to find a tag I could hook on to I noticed "bath salts".  It occurred to me that I could talk about bath salts...you know...the kind you actually put in the bath to soak in and relax. It could be a way of hydrating in a tub of water. Holy cow grandma.  I forgot for just a nano second that nothing is what it seems.  Bath salts have an appeal beyond the bath water.

The first article under the Technorati tag bath salts was titled Is my child taking bath salts? What you need to know.  It crossed my mind that if your young child were taking a bath in salts you would be one that put them there.  But reality kicked in pretty quick and I realized that the mother that wrote on Technorati Women Parenting was referring to a teen or tween and that the phrase "taking bath salts" meant the child was eating or smoking (if that is possible) bath salts. That a whole different tag definition.

I am not sure where to go with this.  Gratitude came to mind immediately.  A lot of parents are raising their children in a world that is very dangerous. Although my grandchildren are not out of the woods yet, their parents spend a lot of time with them hoping to keep them out of harms way while also letting them grow up in the real world.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

As a grandparent I am left with the task of watching it unfold.  A word here and there is all I really should add to the conversation.  It is hard not to chime in. But I can tell you this...on subjects like this I don't need to say a word.  My children, like more parents in this day and age, are mindful of the dangers.  Let's hope the universe in on their side!

I really need to get out more...bath salts...yikes!!!

Just a thought.

b

Technorati Tags: for more information:
bath-salts grandparents parents women

On Raising Daughters...Where Do Grandparents Fit In?

I just finished reading and article my son wrote for the organization he works for in China...he is a school administrator.  The words revolved around raising girls and what a daunting task that is. Even in this day and age it is assumed that boys will be fine but girls...well they will have to work harder and longer to arrive at the same place.

The article began with this paragraph:

From the moment our children are born till the day they leave the house and strike out on their own, it is amazing to observe how they grow, learn, and develop into adults. As a father of two daughters this process scares me to death, but I do want to have strong, independent, and creative daughters! A Father's Role in Raising Amazing Daughter

I loved that turn of phrase strong, independent and creative daughters! Isn't that what we all wish for our children both boys and girls?  But that is not the point...the point is how we go about doing that.  How do parents raise daughter and sons that believe in themselves and believe that nothing is impossible.  Can we help them believe that somethings are harder than other but nothing is impossible?  That the impossible just takes a little longer? 


This article cites Michael Mitchell and a piece he wrote called  “50 Rules for Dads of Daughters”. We as grandparents and parents can learn so much from both of these men.  I know we are suppose to be leaning toward a genderless society but sometimes it is worth our time to think about our children as individuals and as boys or girls.  That is what I am asking you to do today.  It does take a village to raise our children and the whole family can be involved and influential.

Andrew and Amelia, age 4, getting ready
to snorkel in the Viet Nam...a little afraid but prepared!

That is where we as grandparents come into the picture.  My son mentioned me telling stories about my mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, and great-grandmother. Each of these women were strong but in different ways.  The way they were all the same though was that they all did the "impossible" and did it with grace and style.  I know that their influence in my life was profound and I never stopped talking about them.  They were held up as an example for my children and now, they are still doing their magic for my grandchildren.


In parallel to these stories about the women were stories about the men, equally as amazing and heroic.  These people too inspired through their honesty, courage and tenacity.  


Think if I had never told my children the stories of their heritage...wouldn't that have been a shame. In the article he talks about how he "was brought up to both admire and respect the powerful role that women have had in my life and in the history of my family. It is that powerful and important presence that I wish to build up in my own daughters."  


So, grandparents or aunts/uncles, tell your family stories.  Tell about how individuals fixed what could not be fixed or had the courage to admit failure when the impossible turned out to be just that. Find ways to convey to your family how they can  make their lives work in the face of loss or financial difficulty.  Do it with stories that set an example.  I don't think that my family was extraordinary in anyway.  Everyone has stories to share and marvel at.


Strong parents do raise strong children.  In the case of my granddaughters, I think that is very cool that they have grandmothers and aunts on both sides of their family to emulate.  At the days end it will make them better people.


Be sure to read the article written by Andrew Torris and Michael Mitchell for some wonderful guidance on the role of a father in a daughter's life.  We can all learn a lot from them.


Be well.


b


Related website:  Retire in Style Daily News
Twitter: barbblogtwits

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Huffington Post Thoughts: When Does the Parent's Checkbook Voucher Expire?

Huffington Post Article:  Help!  My Partner is Giving Our Life Savings Away...

So at what age do your children outgrow the need for financial help? It may be older than you think. Recent research indicates that a whopping 93 percent of Americans who are a part of the baby boomer generation have provided some sort of financial help to their grown Gen X or Gen Y children.

This is just to make you think.  When does the Parent's Check Book Voucher expire?  Are parents forever the go to people when things get tough?  Would things even get tough if there was no parental open checkbook...do children get in a financial bind because they know the parents will help them out?  You tell me.

Barbara

Should you "friend" your children on Facebook? There are rules you know!

The letter style post on Crazy Baby Momma's Blog was like a glass of ice water on the face! The blog post was called Six Rules You Need to Lay Down Before You Friend Your Parents on Facebook. Obviously her parents were under the illusion that Facebook was their private space and they could just comment on their daughter's love life and complexion without a worry.  The daughter didn't like her baby picture on a bear rug being posted for all her friends to see so she asked Mom and Dad to stop.  The parents were on the edge of being unfriended and removed from the Facebook account unless they cleaned their act up. The list of no-nos included some of the following:

• Everything is PUBLIC on Facebook...absolutely everything!
• Please quit trying to play match maker...it is embarrassing.
• There really is no need to comment on everything.
• If the daughter removed a comment or note it means they didn't want the world to see said comment or note.  Please Mom and Dad, she said, don't add it back in case I missed it. I removed it for a reason.
• There is no need to submit a written evaluation of every photo.  Yes there may be a weight gain but you don't need to point it out.

I think there was more but you get the idea. Soooooo, the question is should you friend your children on Facebook? Showing your children how techno-savvy you are is one thing...hanging out on their Facebook account is another. I think the trick might be to take a look to see what is going on but don't let them know you have been there. What they don't know can't set them off.

Just a thought!

b

5 Conversation Starters with Your Children...help me make a list.

Mexico 10 years ago - time passes quickly!

I have recovered from a cold recently.  My husband and I just returned from China.  We are living in park model 1600 miles from home.  We are talking about driving into Mexico to Guaymas. I am 70 and my husband is 74.  We are very active retired teachers.  Yet, when I feel ill, I begin to worry about a time when I will feel bad and won't get better.

Time is passing faster than we care to admit.  The time for bonding with our children on that level where they may be asked to really help us and not just offer helpful advice is coming.  We need to pave the way for a smooth transition when that time comes.  It has occurred to me that I need to find out what they think. So I am thinking about some questions that I can ask that will help our family when that time comes.

There will be 5 and only 5 questions.  Rule # 1:  Don't ask all of these questions on the same day.  I want information not a family feud!

1. If we don't tell you, how will you know when we cannot manage our finances?
2. Can you describe the place your father and I will live in when we cannot live independently. The answer for this cannot include any labels like "nursing home" or "assisted living" even though the description may fit those places.
3. How will you handle "traveling problems" if they should occur? This may include a discussion about whether we should even drive.
4. Which of you will be in charge when the time comes for life changing decisions?  Can you work together?
5. How will you help us live independently?  

My husband and I are living a wonderful life.  We always try to create an image of successful aging.  I can see that my children may not recognize that we are going to need help.  I know this list needs to be longer but maybe just asking a few simply questions will open the door for the dialogue.  The unasked question is always "How will you even find time to help us?" but then that is for another day.   If you have suggestions, please tell me.  We need to begin compiling a list of helpful conversation starters with our children on this subject.

b

Note: I need for you to understand that asking too many questions is not good.  Children mistake a parent that is trying to get attention by asking how to run the thermostat or the TV controller as a sign that the parent is losing their mind!  Really people, don't do that.  Independence falls away when we begin craving more attention. If you want more attention just tell them so and make arrangements that will satisfy your needs.  Children cannot read your mind.  This post is not about that kind of help/questions.

Technorati Tags: aging

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