Downsizing and Boomerang Children: How small does it need to be?

Okay, here is the deal...boomerang children can just keep bonging back! And it might keep happening until you move into a tent. Is that okay?

My friend and I were talking about our children and how things can go very wrong for them. What would we do if our children needed to move back home? I think we both had mixed feelings about the situation.

The conversation did not include any anger or resentment or even ways to get out of it if we were faced with the dilemma. We focused on the positive things that happen when adult children come home for a little while. It is good when there is a reconnection with the parent's lives and grandchildren can benefit from spending more time with Grandma and Grandpa.

Our sunset years?

We all know that there are families that share lives with all of the family in a very small setting but most retired people are not planning on this type of thing happening. Once we are in our 70's we figure we are in the clear. Still, we are always parents...at least until the child finds themselves responsible for the parents.

As we closed our conversation, my friend and I laughed as we posed the question "How much do I need to downsize?" What ever that is, I am never going down that road. Even if I lived in a tent, I would find a way to help. Our family can only survive if we are all supporting each other. I know my friend feels the same.

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Related articles

• When Parents Throw a Boomerang!
• Catching the Boomerang: Downsizing?

WSJ: Are you a Parent to a Helicopter Parent that Goes to Work with Their Child?

My Desk...no advice from me! I know where I belong.

The big topic of conversation over at Generation Fabulous Midlife Bloggers is an article that is being featured online by the Wall Street Journal. Should You Bring Mom and Dad to the Office? is all about how large companies are encouraging involvement by the parents of their college interns. They arrange social occasions and are even sending notes to Helicopter Parents about their child's progress as an intern. This is a concept that most of us that are little older have never even considered.

Companies like Northwest Mutual are encouraging parents to take part in open houses to see what their college aged interns are doing. The companies that are pushing this are seeing a difference in the way Millennials are growing up and have seen an improvement in the performance of their interns since implementing the ideas.

It seems that children born after 1980 are different that say those born in 1971. How so you ask? Well according to the Wall Street Journal's sources, children born between 1981 and 2000 are closer to their parents. In the eyes of the employer it follows that the parents can be an important ally when it comes to hiring and keeping the most talents prospects.

The Generation Fabulous ladies are not buying it...not at all. They are still working themselves and really need for their children to grow and hopefully, not boomerang on them. But go to work with them to negotiate salaries or open houses to view their child's progress? Nope...they not only don't think it is a good idea, they flat out don't want to do that. I not only wouldn't want to I would not even know what to do if I did.

But...what if you as a parent are very experience, perhaps even just a little wise and your child asked you to be a second set of eyes and ears at a very important time in their life, would you make it work? It could be. Common sense tells us that the more you know the better you become. And adult children can still want to hear from their parents. Another fact of life is that employers can and will take advantage of inexperienced employees/our adult children.

So what do you think? If you are a grandparent, would you have some very good advice for  your adult children with Millennials of their own?

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I invite you to read post Galen Pearl wrote for 10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place called Clean Towels. It is very relevant to this post.

Money Cannot Buy the Perfect Graduation Gift

The perfect graduation gift has no monetary value. It something only an open heart and hand can give. It is the freedom to fly and fall, then fly again.

My husband was a high school principal and we are the parents of 3 children and 12 grandchildren. We know what graduation means and how important it is to families across our nation. It is a right of passage for families and a wonderful privilege. 

This time sees parents feeling that twinge of relief and regret all at once. The empty nest looms and they are hoping that they have raised their child to be ready for what is to come next. Their guidance is more important now than it ever was but finding a way to communicate with their child also difficult. 

On the other hand the grandparents are less useful than they have been in the past. Where do my husband and I fit into this mix at this point in our life?  The truth is we are only onlooking-perfect-gift-givers and smilers this time around.

The dilemma we face now is knowing what that perfect gift is. We have a son graduating with his Master Degree in Business and his daughter is graduating from high school and facing her college years. We also have a grandson getting ready to finish basic training in the Marines. All are big occasions in our family's life... commencements for both the children and their families. We have such high hopes. This gift giving season is more important than any other. We want to present the graduates with something they can hold on to for the rest of their life but the perfect gift is not tangible.

I am aware that my gift may be chosen because it reflects what I hope our young people will do with their life when I should be honoring what the children see as their future. I remind myself that each child must find their own way in their own way. The difficult thing for my husband and I is that we know too much.  We are full of information and advice, none of it wanted or, in the view of the youngers, even useful. We are relegated to watching. It is hard.

When my youngest son received his Masters Degree this week, the commencement speaker said something I liked a lot. He said, "Don't be afraid to take risks because the only person that will remember a failure is you. But more importantly, many successes are built on the rubble of failure." I liked that a lot.

In truth, the thought I am having now is that I should not worry so much. If people a lot wiser than myself know that a misstep is not a bad thing, then I should embrace the risks my children and their children take. They are strong and smart. They will be fine.

So I think that the perfect gift is not money or a worldly possession. The most valuable of gifts cannot be held in your hand.

A box containing "hope" and "surprises" would be perfect.  It could contain "moving on cards" that allow them to forgive themselves for what they see is as not good enough. It would be filled with "courage" and "laughter" and above all "kindness". "Work ethic" would top the box off to over flowing.  Oh, and there would be "ideas" and "creativity" too.  That is what I would like to give. After all, life is very short and in the end it is about a huge passion and love for the journey. 

While I know money cannot buy those things nor is there a box big enough to hold them, I also know that with our encouragement the child can find these gifts inside their own head and heart. That is where my husband and I fit in this picture. I remain hopeful.

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A Book for a Cause: Parenting Gag Reel...Hilarious Writes and Wrongs: Take 26

There is no such thing as normal in our family...even in the elder part of my life, I find that I just cannot get a handle on what I should and should not do. I suppose that is why I can relate to books about grandmothers struggling to take care of the babies without breaking them or moms dealing with a day that features accidents involving super glue and a slow cooker on fire.

That explains why, when a blogging friend of mine sent me an email this morning recommending a book that is being sold to support Autism Speaks, I ordered one immediately.  Parenting Gag Reel - Hilarious Writes and Wrongs: Take 26 (Life Well Blogged) is all about laughing at the parenting fiasco because we may as well laugh as cry.  The friend's children are both autistic which explains a lot of bedlam at his house. He discribes his oldest as "an Aspie ( Asperger's Syndrome) with SPD (sensory processing disorder)." But his sense of humor and love has shown me that life is what you make it.

Parenting Gag Reel
Hilarious Writes and Wrongs:
 Take 26 (Life Well Blogged)

I know you will love this book...we all need a good laugh along with a big dose of reality.  After all, when the kitchen catches on fire you can look at it in two ways...really!

You are sure to appreciate the wardrobe freakshows, microwave meltdowns, goats, glitter balls, rock-stars and bedtime stories that fill the pages of this book. If you have ever fought to get your little one down for a nap, worn your pajamas to drop off the kids at school or can name at least ten shades of poop, you are in the right place for an afternoon of laughter, thanks to some very funny bloggers. Laugh with your friends as you read about the signs to know you are a parent, death and taxes and of course musical beds. The bottom line is parenting is tough enough, we all need a good laugh, especially when someone else has to clean it up. (Amazon Review)

My friend, Jackalope, is in Chapter 4. His email said, "There are some really funny (desperate, insane, pitiful) writers in the book. Besides me of course. So, buck up the $2.99, support charity (Autism Speaks) and show your true colors as fans of The Order of the Jackalope."  He is starting his own book soon and I can hardly wait to get a look at it. Click on the link under the picture above to order because it's only $2.99, you need a good laugh and maybe you will all feel better when you realize that you are not the only one that flooded the bathroom upstairs and it put that fire out in the kitchen down.  Remember, the firemen did say "don't worry, it happens all the time."

Be well.

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See: AARP: 48 Year old guy is passing for now!  by Lonesome Jackalope for Retire In Style Blog

Grandchildren: Retirement According to Ethan!

You really had to know Ethan when he was a little boy. His imaginary friend was God. He was three and in trouble with me when he said that he loved his Grandma Darlene (the other grandma) best. It seems like he played with Lego's before he could talk. That may not be true though. His favorite Lego toy was a pulley with strings. The string was always tangled but he didn't mind. Ethan loved things that were hard and needed to be fixed.

He worried a lot about Grandpa and Grandma. No job you know! He tried to figure out if we were too young to work, had gotten ourselves fired or if we were just plain useless. Every sentence about his mom and dad began with "my mom/dad had to go to work but when they come home we will...."

Grandpa, Ethan and me, 9 years ago

He gave our situation a lot of thought and he finally decided that Grandma and Grandpa were looking for a job. He would say things like, "When you get a job Grandma, you won't have time to do this." He thought maybe grandpa could get a job golfing because he certainly had a lot of experience. But Grandma was another thing. What could she do?

Then one day we were sitting on the floor with Lego's all around us. That pulley thing was a mass of knots intertwined with more Lego's and other assorted toys. It really did look impossible to fix. We talked about getting the scissors and I told E-man that it might be hopeless. I did not know if I could untangle it.

But the time passed while we were talking and the strings seemed to magically come apart. As I was winding the string back on the pulley, Ethan looked me in the eye. "You know what Grandma? When you grow up I bet you could get a job at the untangling store." My worth in his eyes had gone up a lot in those few minutes.  In the years after that we took apart the vacuum cleaner and repaired it, fixed toys and did school projects together that required my art skills. I was his go-to un-tangler. I wish I could have done more of that sort of thing.

I gave him a dollar once to buy something at the Dollar Store. He bought a package of 3 rolls of electrical tape.  He made things out of that tape for weeks to come. The garage at his parents house was always full of things in the process of being taped together and made into what they were not.

Now, when we need an extra pair of hands, Ethan will come and help us. He loves his Grandpa a lot. He went hunting for the first time this fall so they have more to talk about now.  He has worked as a aid for his disabled cousin for six month. I think his heart is full of help and fixing things. I don't know if he knows that yet.

It was true about him loving his Grandma Darlene best, which was a wonderful thing. She passed away this last summer so it was only right. When she was alive she always needed him the most.

Ethan was 5-6 when we fixed the Lego. He will be 20 next spring and is going into the Marines in March. Time has flown by. That young man gave me things to think about. I suppose he always will. We did not have an easy time with each other. Sometimes the really smart ones are the ones that try us the most. But the bond is so tight and, well, tangled that no one will ever undo the knots. Ethan is like that.

Oh, and I might add, I am very grateful that his parents let me spend so much time with Ethan and his sister. I loved that a lot.

Have a wonderful day.

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