When You Visit Me in the Nursing Home....

This is another of those Just Shoot Me Now posts! I am feeling discouraged because of an article written by a Ronna Benjamin about a visit to her grandmother's nursing home. The article, There is Nothing Fun about the Nursing Home, appeared in the Huffington Post Post50 blog. It was an indictment of a nursing home facility that housed her grandmother. She told a story of darkness and hopelessness. It was not what I needed to hear today or on any day for that matter. The last two paragraphs in the article left me wanting to cry:

I leave after an hour, wondering why anyone would live in a nursing home if there were other options available. But unbelievably, with every marble intact, my grandmother in fact made that choice.

"Writing is never 'fun,'" E.B White is quoted as saying. I generally don't agree; in this encore career, I wouldn't do it if it weren't fun. But there is nothing fun about a nursing home, and there was not much fun in the writing about it either.

The story hit very close to home because am old.  I am 71 and my husband is 75. We are both active seniors with a beautiful life style. However, the reality is if we live long enough and are not killed by a run away golf cart or something, we too will spend some time in a nursing facility. It is a given. It is what we will want because we will not want our children to care for us at home...period. My mother, mother-in-law, both grandmothers and grandfathers did that very thing. My father died suddenly at 76 and was spared this final stage of his life.

They were  all part of the decision in as much as they could be and did not act like spoiled children when the day came. There was no talk of running away or going back to younger days. In fact, they each brought their share of joy and grace to their new home.  I have always been proud of their selfless behavior.

As a family, we have learned some hard lessons about nursing home care and what can go wrong. We have also learned about the good things and the good people that will work with the very elderly. Even though I did not know what to do about the bad when it was my turn to take charge, I did learn to take action and make sure that those under my watch were cared for with as much love as possible. I got up off my bottom when things went wrong and found someone that could make some changes. I worked right along side the care givers to make things as good as they could possibly be. It was a labor of love.

Facing the facts is hard. Sometimes people need a lot of care and those of us that are not in a medical field and do not have homes designed for care giving cannot do the things necessary. Even those of us with the best of intention and motivation fail our family in that regard. As hard as it may be, many times there is no choices left.

Then there is the fact that society views nursing home and their residents today with the attitude that people had in the past about people with disabilities, mental handicaps or even physical disfigurement. Those people were kept in a closed room out of polite society's view. Handicapped children did not go to school because the other children needed to be spared the very site of someone that was different.

This attitude is the one that people take toward those that are suffering from disabilities related to aging or even the wrinkles and moles that appear over time! What I have seen is that when there are no choices and the decision has been made, families with desert their loved ones. Younger people can't stomach a visit to the nursing facilities. If their loved one does not recognize them they don't see the need to visit and be watchful. Hence, the nursing home horror stories. It could be that when they see what they do not like, they can excuse themselves from going to visit as often is necessary.

In a perfect world, all care would be loving and gentle. Everyone would grow old and remain beautiful. No one would come to a place where they were unaware of what went on around them. People would have no aversion to spending time with family members that lived where they could be cared for. Church congregations would come to the nursing home and worship and families would share movie nights with their loved ones. Birthday parties in small eating areas for provided residents would happen frequently.  There would be no alarms or even a unsightly person in a wheel chair...in a perfect world.

But this life is not perfect and what an outsider may see as ugly an insider over looks or even becomes blind to over time.

Bring me flowers....

You need to get over it please. Never mind how your grandmother or mother looks or how the lady in the next room behaves. They are still beautiful inside.

When I am very old and need to be cared for,  please come to visit. When you come to visit me, bring a book or some needle work or a small project of some kind. Wash my face and put lotion on my hands. Open the curtains and bring flowers or treats for everyone. Eat with me and don't act shocked when I spill. Go find the coffee pot and bring me a cup. Sit beside me and work or read. Just be with me as though we were at home. Provide a TV for me or bring your laptop computer with an old movie we can share or an old familiar song. Bring me magazines with lots of pictures. In fact, bring magazines for everyone and let me share them. Do what brings you joy and I will love it too...even if I cannot let you know. Hold my hand and hug me.

Be proactive for other residents and not just me. While nursing home supervisors will want things to be good, I will know they cannot  watch everyone.  Jump to your feet when an alarm goes off in the neighboring room and be standing beside it when the aid gets there to turn it off.  If a summons for help is not answered, go find someone to help.  Do those things that are not getting done...pick up things, clean just a little, strip my soiled bed. Become a partner with the facility in the care for me. It could be that employees will understand that you are a part of their community too and you want for them to succeed. I will become special in their eyes because of what you do. Isn't that a good thing? Besides, that is what I will want you to do.

I will be sorry I cannot bring you joy like I did all those years ago...I know that will be hard. Try to find a place in your heart for me. What you think as you sit beside me will be revealed in your eyes and I will know how you feel. I think you will need to bring the joy with you. I hope you won't mind. And I will need your acceptance more than you know.

b+

Note: Talk to the nursing home superviser if things are not what they should be. Find out what can be done. Contact the ombudsman in your state if the nursing facility is simply horrible and move your family member if things don't measure up. Be a part of a solution.

Note: First published in 2013 but nothing has changed!

What to Look for in a Skilled Nursing Facility

If you have a medical condition that requires frequent care, moving into a skilled nursing facility might be the best option for you. This type of setting can provide you with the medical supervision you need on a regular basis. You won’t have to worry about forgetting to take medications or falling if you have trouble getting around by yourself. You’ll always have someone there to make sure that you get the best care possible. When you visit facilities that you’re interested in, it’s important to look for certain things before making your final decision.

Look at how the skilled nursing facility is set up. Many have a central nursing station and dining area, as well as shared bedrooms and bathrooms. If you prefer a more personal setting with a cozier environment, look for facilities that offer private rooms and bathrooms. Some facilities are also designed for smaller groups instead of one large group. These typically have smaller communal areas and private kitchens or dining areas.

Make sure the facilities you visit are kept clean. Rooms, communal areas and dining areas should not have strong odors, such as urine. Keep in mind that overpowering smells from air fresheners and other deodorizing products could be masking these scents. Furniture and surface areas should not be covered in dirt, dust or other debris. Bedroom and bathroom linens should be cleaned regularly.

Find out as much as possible about the staff at the skilled nursing facilities you visit. Ask about the turnover rate since a lower rate generally indicates more satisfied employees who do their jobs well. You’ll want to look for employees that make you feel welcome and comfortable. Find out how many employees are around on weekends, evenings and weekdays. If you have a condition that requires special care, such as stroke rehabilitation, make sure the facility offers what you need.

Ask about the meals that are served. If you are on a special diet, check if the facility can accommodate your dietary needs. All meals should be nutritious and well-balanced. They should also be cooked under safe conditions in a sanitary environment.

Observe or talk to the residents at the skilled nursing facilities. They should seem alert and happy. Ask them if they enjoy the activities that the facility offers. You can also ask visiting family members for their opinions on the care that their loved ones receive.

About the Author:

Mr. Farrell, who holds a Master’s degree in social work, with a concentration in gerontology and administration from Boston College, is a licensed Nursing Home Administrator. He is widely published and nationally recognized as an educator in the skilled nursing facility industry.

Aesthetics for Seniors or PLEASE PAINT MY WORLD YELLOW!

I read an article written by a young woman about her grandmother's last years.  Grandma was living in a nursing home or some other institutionalized environment.  The question the young woman was exploring touched a nerve for me.  She could not understand why it was so hard to go and visit her grandmother and talk to her.  I think she wrote the piece so she could come to grips with her grief and guilt.  One could see that she felt it should not be so hard to spend some time with a person you love.

What caught my interest specifically was the paragraph about the appearance of the place her grandmother lived.  Wall were painted that institutional color that sucks all the light of halls and room.  Uncombed hair and a room devoid of personal effects left the young woman feeling alone and slightly afraid in the presence of this loved one. I wondered how others related to this same situation.

Bring life into our life!

Then I paid a short visit to a website calle "Aging in Place" where Patrick Roden writes.  The article Dr. Roden wrote about sex in the nursing home just jumped from the page.  He spoke about ridicule from the staff, loss of privacy, single beds...not a place that encourages what older people need more than anything else.  Human touch.  But the institutions didn't take the beauty of their patients and their situation into account.  Even an old person is more beautiful when they are clean and perfumed.  A hug is easier to give in such a case.

I was taken back to a concept I discovered several month ago that dealt with the importance of aesthetics in the life of the older person.  The name of this blog betrays my belief in the importance I place on the beauty of the things that surround me.

In all of this time I had never once thought about my family or friends and how the appearance of the place where we live might influence their willingness to visit and stay a while.  Young people are not aware of why they don't want to come but could it possibly be that even the color of the paint on the walls is important? Dr. Roden thinks that the "aging in place" concept supports the humanity of the elderly.  It is not only the size of the beds and the privacy a home allows.  It is a sanctuary for the whole family.   It is a good argument for in home care and all that "home" means to the family that makes such arrangements.

As a young senior in good health, I with my husband have moved into a house that is on one level, wheel chair friendly with access to the outdoors and lots of light.  We even have enough room for a live in helper.  We are making this home as beautiful a possible so we can enjoy the years to come surrounded by an aesthetically pleasing atmosphere.  Hopefully, it will serve us well for many many years to come.

And yes, we are painting some of the rooms yellow.  I just thought you would want to know.

Be well!

b

Related articles

• Opinion: How Medicare Fails the Elderly (nytimes.com)
• Making our house a home! (retireinstyleblog.com)