How Do You Measure Your Days?

I am asked over and over, “What did you do this weekend?” I have begun to wonder if I need to keep notes that list my daily accomplishments because I really do not know what I did…well I know but it takes a bit of time for me to conjure it all up. I aim to live purposefully but the dribs and drabs to not consume me. 

I love my life and I find joy is every moment. On the other hand, I don’t feel especially important or interesting. And there you have it. I don’t count each day but a time that has filled my life since I have figured out my new statice as a widow.

Yet I do measure my life. Each day is important in my existence even at 81. In fact, they may be more important now than ever…the days dwindle.

I was cleaning one of my guest room, moving furniture and removing books and papers. Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass fell open in my hand…the page was chapter 4 of “Song of Myself”. He wrote:

Trippers and askers surround me,

People I meet, the effect upon me of my early life or the ward and city I live in, or the nation,

The latest dates, discoveries, inventions, societies, authors old and new,

My dinner, dress, associates, looks, compliments, dues,

The real or fancied indifference of some man or woman I love,

The sickness of one of my folks or of myself, or ill-doing or loss or lack of money, or depressions or exaltations,

Battles, the horrors of fratricidal war, the fever of doubtful news, the fitful events;

These come to me days and nights and go from me again,

But they are not the Me myself.

He continues for many page but towards the end he says this:

The past and present wilt—I have fill’d them, emptied them,

And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.

 Walt Whitman did not measure his days against those mundane things we do daily. While each day was filled with joy I think he did not dwell on the past or the present…his thoughts were focused on the future.

I feel very much the same way…while today may not be worth noting, the truth is that, as the whole comes together, I see such a shining place…the future that is. 

How about you…how do you measure your days?

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On Wearing My Prom Dress…

The Gold Lame prom dress! I wore this dress
To a college dance where my boyfriend (future husband) was a
Student. It was a big deal

 Yes I still one of my prom dresses in my closet. It is a little lace gold lame number. I wore it to a high school prom in Huntington Oregon, pop 600 in 1958. My boy friend, later my husband, liked to be with me when I had a dress like that. I just liked to wear it as though it really was a part of my small town world.

Now I am 81 years old and on most day I would still dress in a “prom dress”. I simply love beautiful clothes and, well, anything that is beautiful in my eyes.

I was with a group of women on Thursday walking through the Mission Garden here in Tucson. It is a Native American garden with beautiful flowers ( red penstemon and orange sage). We all breathed the clear air and watched the skies over head for clouds bearing rain. It was chilly.

A snack and some conversation followed the slow walk. One of the women is a recently retired teacher from the Midwest. She and her husband are permanently living in Tucson. The weather (of course) came up. Were we dressed right? As women will do, she remarked that she would wear a t-shirt and shorts everyday if it weren’t so cold. 

“I would wear a prom dress everyday if I could.” Was that me saying that? As it turned out, yes it was.

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It grew very quiet as each of those women searched their minds for an answer. One finally
asked if I still had my prom dress. And you know the answer.

Did you love your best dressy dress when you were young or does the one you have in your closet do for you and you would prefer shorts and a tshirt?

Just a thought.

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*Note: Now you must know that what I was really saying is that I would put on a beautiful outfit every day…a tshirt would be saved for when I cleaned the toilet or mowed the lawn. While I do wear blue jeans and tshirts, it is not a preference…it is an act of fitting in with the rest.

On Buzzards

 The old buzzard stood by the fence

He did not care

What you thought

Or said

Or what pain you felt.

Much like that giant bird

Floating on the updraft

With wings wide casting a big shadow,

He let you know

With the tip of a hat

Or a smile half hidden

That some day you may be

A buzzard too…

But not quite yet!

Until then you would

Care….

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*thank you Dianne Tolley over at On the Border

Even the Birds Noticed!

 I have a bird feeder. It is a 4 story wonder with little “windows” around the outside that let the birds get at the food. Those little windows have balconies that the birds that stand on while they gorge themselves. 

But there was a problem…one of the windows fell out somewhere this winter and evidently disappeared into the soil. The fact that I didn’t notice until I was filling the feeder the second time is not relevant. But still a bit funny. Anyway, when I noticed the hole I went to my duck tape stash and grabbed a roll. I really didn’t notice that it had a zebra design on it until a piece was applied over the hole.

The feeder was filled and it was hung in my mesquite tree so my precious birds could feast away.

Now I may have not noticed that the hole was covered with zebra duck tape but I can tell you for sure the birds noticed. It turns out that birds are very suspicious of zebra striped duck tape!

For reasons I cannot explain, I just thought you needed to know!

Have a great day.

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NEW YORK CITY???

 I’ve been thinking a lot about how far it is from here to New York City. Someone once said to me that they live so far away, they would not have any idea how even to get there. I could only think of Confucius. You remember, Confucius is the one that said, “A journey of 1000 miles begins with one step.”

One of my stops in life: TRAVEL
The Taj Mahal

At the time we were living in a community in eastern Oregon called Ontario. It is found in the Treasure Valley where some of the richest land in our country can be found. It was a beautiful place in the spring. It was green in the summer with truck farms that grew vegetables. It was a place you could easily love because of people were warm and the community wrapped its arms around you.

But occasionally a person wants to get out of town. And so I was talking about going to New York City with this person. I am a day-dreamer and she wasn’t. She said to me that she would have no idea how to even get to New York. How would you do that? Of course, I wanted to convince my husband that we should drive all the way across the country and see Chicago and the great lakes and all of those places that I’d heard and read about but had never actually seen. I’m a small town girl.

This little community of Ontario, Oregon was located on the very eastern edge of the state and to our east in the direction that you would go to get to New York City there were other communities. Nampa was the first and maybe Caldwell and then, of course, Boise, Idaho. When she said what she said, I looked at her and I said “Well, I’d go to Boise” because remember, Confucius said the journey of 1000 miles begins with one step and I saw Boise as the first step. 

They often say that life is a journey. I have left my little community of Ontario. I’m now in New York City. At the age of 81 I’m finding I like New York City a lot, but then I’ve liked Nampa and Caldwell and Boise,Idaho too. The journey of life has many stops, and some of them are beautiful and some are not but when you arrive at New York City, be sure to look around and appreciate the ride. 

I’m not a good swimmer but who knows, I may have a dream about London too.

Where are you in your life’s journey?

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*In case you didn’t know, I am really in Tucson Az. NYC just symbolizes my age.

On Figuring it Out

 

Tohono Chul Gift Shop (OLLI Field Trip…gardens and lunch)

I have never ever really been alone…not alone in a house with myself and the knowledge that this life is what I have. As you can imagine, there is a certain amount of self  examination that has to be done. Being alive is simply not enough.

My mind is so excited to learn more, create more, be more. But emotionally I have had to recover my self confidence. Simply figuring out who I am has turned out to be a real awakening.

Up until now I was always in tune with what my husband was interested in and those he chose to surround himself with. Don’t misunderstand…I did love my life with him. It was a good thing.

But now, I am not the same person. I realize so much about myself that is good and so much that has not been. While the past does not exist, it still is the benchmark that we all measure our future against. As humans we cannot continue to make the same mistakes over and over and expect a different outcome.

When I returned to Arizona in January and I found myself alone in a large house with a small dog to talk to, I knew that if I were to remain sane, I would need to look outside the front door and down the road for things to excite and interest me. Because I didn’t really have any idea how to do that, I was a little afraid. In fact I was a lot afraid. Like so many things in this life, there was not a guide book.

I slept like a baby. Not because I was sure of anything but sleep was the perfect escape. 

This is where it becomes interesting. Simply because I was bored I decided to download Turbo Tax and do my own taxes. Now please know that I did not know what I was doing but it seemed to me that learning to do that was what I needed. It was the ultimate puzzle and I loved  it. 

It amazed me when the life I had before with friends (couples) did not include me. So I also began looking for a place where people gathered. I signed up for a chair yoga class at a recreation center here in Tucson and I went to the University of Arizona to see what they had to offer in the way of adult learning organizations. I quite by accident stumbled on an organization called Osher Lifelong Learning Institute (OLLI).

It has been a miracle for me. I have discovered what I like and what I don’t. There is a difference you know.

I am a kind of Pollyanna and I hate to admit that I don’t like things or even don’t feel well. So admitting that I don’t enjoy a particular activity is hard for me. It is like quitting and I have never done that with something I have committed myself to.

Since joining this group of like minded people, I am feeling more confident. I drive across Tucson to take classes at the OLLI /ASU center and have joined a Walk and Talk group. I have gone to the DeGrazia Art Museum and the Toronto Chulla botanical gardens with different member groups.  I am going to a meet and greet occasion for new member of OLLI that I think with be fun. I am taking a class called Our Brain and one that features famous crooners for the 40’s, 50’s ,60’s etc.

Life it seems does go on…at least for me. For as long as it lasts I am having fun. The anxiety of being out in public is still there…do I talk too much? If I start a conversation am I seen as pushy? And so it goes. I am hoping that I am normal in those feelings but I try not to care. I am doing the best I can with what I know.

Do you have any thoughts? AND if anyone is interested, I think you should write a guide book for being alone  Any takers?

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