Getting "Real" With My Followers about Retirement

As I write more and more I find that the comments I receive are more relevant to what I have written and in many cases heart wrenching. When people let me see into their lives, I realize that like me, they are searching for answers. They are hoping that maybe I have them.

Me at the Alhambra, Sept. 2000

Today a person commented from somewhere in Canada about retiring soon. They are from Korea and have accumulated enough wealth to quit work and move to the "location of their dreams" (my words not theirs.) Should they go back to a place where the language is their own or should they take a chance and choose somewhere outside their comfort zone. Those of us that are retired understand those questions entirely.

So what do you think? Do you jump ship and move to the far reaches of the earth to find a new life or do you just change the scenery but not the culture? Hmmmmm!

Someone asked me many years ago if I would move to Spain. My husband and I had just returned from a extended stay in the country. I fell in love with the music and the rhythm of life there. All I could think about for many months was paseo in the evening and a long nap in the afternoon. It was just heavenly.

But when the stranger asked me that question, I knew the answer and it was NO. If I moved to Spain, all I would do is go about recreating the life I have here and encourage my family to come with me. Why would I do that when the grass was very green at home? I don't speak Spanish, I am not totally in love with Spanish food and one can only visit so many historic sites and take so many naps before they are full.

My advice to the Korean commenter would be to follow your heart. Do what feels right. Don't burn bridges, get rid of your old life and abandon old friends. Dip your toe into the water, see how it feels and then stay or move on. I suppose flexibility is the key.

Be well.

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How Do You See the Future You?

We dropped in to have a cup of coffee with my daughter and her husband this morning. They had been to a Weight Watchers meeting so of course the conversation turned to what was going on there. My son-in-law told me that the question for the morning was "How do you see your future self?" He said he saw himself as Tom Selleck. I am not sure if that dates him or not but I guess even the old Tom is not bad!

Then he looked at me expectantly. I am almost 74 years old so seeing the future me means something entirely different. I am living my future. The outcome was determined many, many years ago. I am the answer to the how the future will look, not the question.

Our future now...grandchildren, visits with family,
travel, an occasional golf game, long walks,
our garden, friends and a snowbird lifestyle.

I suppose the two things that I thought about when I was younger was money and health if I indeed thought about anything. I was never the primary breadwinner although I did work most of my life. I am a retired teacher. I always saw my role as keeping things under control so we could live on what we had not what we wanted to have. As for my health, I have always been active both mentally and physically so what is, is.

I don't think I am the best example for independent women of today. But I knew women that made some very smart financial choices that left them well fixed in retirement. The thing that always impressed me about those women was their determination to finish what they had begun. They found careers and worked very hard to advance and learn within those parameters. Women my age did not change jobs if they were smart and had a good position. The grass did not appear to be greener to them. Those women retired and could be self-supporting if they needed to be.

Of those women, one stands out in my mind. She was a home economics teacher turned counselor. She earned a Master's Degree when her children were young. Her home was beautiful even though she did not spend very much to make it that way. She was all about creating and doing it herself. Her husband was a wonderful partner. She probably visited the second hand stores and looked for deals. She covered her family room floor with carpet samples and found uses for wallpaper sample books. We are very lucky now because information on DIY is everywhere we look. Doing what she did would be much easier now.

They sold that home making a big profit and built a new one in town after she and her husband retired. I am sure it is as beautiful as her country home. Like me, she is now living the future.

If I were to give advice to a young woman today that is not married and the primary breadwinner, I would tell her that living on what she will retire on and saving the remainder is the answer to providing for their future. The phrase that so many use, "I cannot retire to the lifestyle I am living now," is very telling. The future depends on living in the lifestyle you will always be living. It is all about self-control and seeking help from a professional for working out the details.

One resource I found for retirement planning is this tool from Personal Capital. It's a retirement planner that's 100% free to use for anyone in the U.S, and it really helps you see how much you're saving and when you're planning to retire.

I am very grateful for the way things turned out for us. Would we have done things differently? I don't know. We live a very full life on what we accumulated. Now we are reaping the rewards.

So, how do you see your future?

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Note: I received no payment for this article.

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Off My Chest: On Jealousy and Keeping Score

I would like to say that getting older gives one the grace to avoid keeping score in life. You would think that our minds would explode with all that tallying and counting and feeling neglected or hurt or smug. But no....it never really goes away for many people. I try very hard to avoid going down that path.

On taking paths, I need to have you look at a blog post I read this morning written by a mother that is sending her child off to college. Beginning a new life usually requires some help from someone you love and this mother had some of the best advice I have ever seen...we could all use it no matter our age. A new beginning needs a new attitude and some gumptious courage. In The 12 Things Fangette Needs for College inspired me to rethink the qualities I need to embrace in my life that is continually changing.

During my retirement life I have moved several times and entered into new communities of people both here in Portland and in Tucson, AZ. The life in our Arizona RV resort has been compared to a college campus like place because even though we all have other lives, we come together each year in a new beginning of sorts.

In her article Jacqueline Tierney DeMuro talked about fearlessness, courage, selfishness (in a good way), humor, common sense and a moral compass. The dialogue she included after each headers is beautiful. The one I like the most was "Put on you big girl pants!" She said, "Put them on every day and go out into the world and behave like an adult." That is where the keeping score come into play.

See, even grown up retired wise older people can to hold onto a piece of their child like behavior. They go out into the world every day and expect the world to treat them as though they are very special. While they are grumbling and complaining to their children or on the golf course, they forget that what they say or how they behave sends ripples out into the water of life. But that is not all. They are unhappy with what is happening to them AND they are jealous if someone else is not unhappy. What they do not only alters the course they are taking but it also affects everyone around them. Behaving like an adult is very hard even as we get older.

Her advice regarding selfishness seems to follow. "keep in mind that your time and your energies will be important.... Keep your guard up for people who will look to squander those things." We all know that the people that don't own a pair of big girl pants (let alone 2 pairs like DeMuro recommends) will suck the life out of those that are willing to pour effort into their deep hole of need. I had this happen in my new life in Arizona. There was not enough time or even money to fill the pit I found in that person's life.

Don't take my word for it. Read this article, send it to a college bound student or even someone just retired starting a new life. It is amazing how similar those two stages in life are.

Thank you Jacqueline Tierney DeMuro for a great blog post.

Be well and have a great day.

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Figuring Out Life After Work - Advice from an EXPERT!

Finding new friends!

10 Things I Taught My Kids didn't sound like anything someone my age would find interesting. But I was wrong. Surprisingly it was something that fit into my day perfectly. In fact, I think we could all profit from the advice given by Huffington Post blogger Sharon Greenthal no matter our age. 

It struck a cord with me because it reminded me that it is not the big things that make a difference in our ability to figure out life at any age. She said funny things like "If you find a dress you like, buy it is 3 colors." or "Brownies go with everything". 

Tucked in between these two tidbits were more important things like "be kind to everyone, especially those that struggle" and "when you meet someone ask questions" (everyone likes to talk about themselves). But it was number two in the list that caught my eye. I could only think that she was talking to someone my age:

2. Go when you're invited. Unless it's something completely out of your comfort zone -- say, a wife-swapping party or a marathon viewing of Cameron Diaz films -- always accept an invitation. You never know who you'll meet or what will happen. This is especially true during the transition from college to young adulthood, when those built-in social networks may fall away.

Don't you think that if we were to substitute "transitioning from a job to retirement" for the "transitioning from college to young adulthood" the statement would ring true for you. Your built in social networks do fall away and I don't know any other way to find friendships than to just go out into the world and find them for yourself. And what better way to do that than to accept every invitation that is offered.

If you are one of those people that turn down invitations because they don't just quite fit what you really want to do or you may not like the food, you should rethink that notion. Especially if you are having trouble making friends. When you read Greenthal's post about doing things just because they are kind, you begin to think about how a no to an invitation might affect the person that invited you.  The idea that you are not only denying yourself the opportunity to meet people or have a new experience is one thing but the idea that you may also be hurting someone's feeling is another. Know one wants to be hurtful.

Your invitations are the other part of the equation too. The common theme here is kindness...I think you will find your new social network are born out of acts of generosity. Cookies for the new neighbor or even just smiling and speaking to everyone in your neighborhood might work for you. Take time for everyone you meet. Don't forget that you could be the one that is helping a newbie find their way in retirement or any other kind of change. You could be the one having Carmeron Diaz marathon!

Accept the next invitation no matter what, take a hostess gift because Greenthal says we should never go to a dinner/party empty handed. I don't encourage wife-swapping so don't do that. But have fun and let me know what happens.  You may just be surprised!

Thank you Sharon Greenthal.  You made my day.

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In addition to writing for Huffington Post, Sharon Greenthal writes a blog called Empty House, Full Mind.

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Can you practice living alone?

My husband and I in Spain!

I didn't make the bed today.  My husband and I have been spending some time apart.  I flew home for the birth of our last grandchild and he chose to remain in Arizona for a little more time. We do this occasionally...it is a practice session for being alone.  He will be home tonight or tomorrow.

So I don't make the bed sometimes when I am alone...shoot me if you like! Today I needed to change the bed so I just washed the sheets.  They are laying on the bed in a heap. The sheets were dirty. That is my first excuse.  Then I wanted to do some yard work. As I raked up the last leaf I realized I need to go and buy some more coffee.  As I was driving to the grocery I remembered that I wanted to have sushi and my husband doesn't jump at that suggestion.  I shopped and then drove to the sushi restaurant.  It is a beautiful day so I drove home at a leisurely pace.

I still haven't made the bed.  I've taken a nap, cleaned up the dishes and put the yard debris in the bin.  There was even a walk and a glass of wine.

It is good practice.  But,  I do know that I don't like being alone, even though I can march to my own drummer.  If that is coming down the pike, it will take a lot of getting used to.  Even with practice, it will never feel right.

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How to Say No to Babysitting!

My son called me just a few minutes ago to ask if we could take care of our grandsons tomorrow morning.  They are having the carpets cleaned throughout the house!  Yikes! I think he really needed us.  But we are getting ready to leave for Arizona on Monday and are having the whole family here for dinner tomorrow night.  Hard as it was I had to say no.

My son did not think a thing of it.  A short explanation and how I felt told him that I was not doing this because I was selfish.  I just couldn't.  How have we come to this place?  I know some children and their parents have real problems in this area.  This is the strategy we have used:

• Everyone understands that we are not the full time baby sitter.  While it would be a big financial help for my children to assume this responsibility, we have discussed how important it is for them to carry this burden.  In cases that involve friends I don't mince words.  No just means no...you can't make me do that no matter how much I love you! Smile!
• When we do take care of the grand babies, I discuss what we have done when the parents come to pick them up.  While I don't complain, I do let them know that my age will not let me do this for an extended period of time.
• We have a relationship with their babysitter and have visited her home. I have no explanation for why this helps but it does.
• I have always been honest with them.  If we have plans,I simply tell them.
• If it is a true "emergency",  we change our plans and pick up the slack.  They know that in such cases, they can count on us.  I have even come home from Arizona in an emergence.  

Brycen, 1 yr. 10 month
Very hard to turn down!

In the end I think we have always been clear about what we can and cannot do.  I am sure it came up in the conversation even before the last two grandchildren were born.  We all understand where the boundaries are.    My husband and I stay very active and busy.  We are strong family and we support one another but give each other a lot of space.  It has always worked for us.

In an article written for Grandparents.com the author (Wilmoth Foreman) talked about a grandmother of 8 and her attitude toward being asked to babysit:

Without a blink, she reels off her grandkids' ages — 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 3, 1. For Annie, watching the kids has never felt obligatory. Instead, she sees it as a chance for the grandkids to get to know their grandparents as people. "The little ones are my only hope for sitting these days. I jump at keeping them every chance I get," she says wistfully. "It's hard to say you don't want to be part of something that won't last very long." Annie hastens to add, though, that her grandkids' parents have never overstepped their bounds or "put her on the spot."

Read more:http://www.grandparents.com/gp/content/expert-advice/new-grandparents/article/grannynannyboundaries.html#ixzz1cgMdRn8r

I think she said it better than anyone could.  My children, like hers have not "overstepped their bounds or 'put us on the spot'".   Wish us luck.  So far we a doing just fine.

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HOW-TO GET that GIFT BASKET YOU WANT....Grandparent Alert!

Family in Our Home!  They were invited and they came.
Just what I wanted!!!

     A couple of years ago my husband and I forgot our daughters birthday. Yes, I know. We are very bad-bad people!  Our daughter is one of three siblings and their birthdays are happy occasions for us and always have been. I plan months ahead, buy gifts, and visualize the day they get their prize. But, on that one horrible occasion, we made our daughter cry! We forgot. Thankfully, our son-in-law gave us a heads up and we were able to at least redeem ourselves to a point.
WHAT GOES WRONG!  
     This particular incident made me take a good long look at what I was doing when I wanted  a gift basket or the perfect piece of jewelry.  I was shocked to find that I was setting the people I loved up to fail. And my family was learning from me. We positioned ourselves to be victims. Deep down in our hearts we suspected that no one loved us or we felt depressed and we lay that special occasion out as a test. The perfect gift from a clueless husband or the perfect recognition of our birthdays/accomplishments by our family didn't happen. Why? Because we set them up to fail. When the desired outcome failed to come, we decided that the people being tested didn't love us and we became the victim we picture. It could be that we liked the misery in some way.
     My daughter and I had a conversation the other day about that birthday. I told her we HAD NOT FORGOTTEN her birthday coming up later this month and her response was "Yes, it is going to be my birthday....I want a present!" She said you taught me: Don't be a victim! Then she told me to write a blog post about this subject.Thank you Susan for being the wonderful daughter you are. I am very grateful that you are still willing stick with me.

SELF-IMPOSED VICTIMS!     
     I think that a lot of older people fall into the "self-imposed" victim category. As I travel around the web or listen to my friends, I find that they want something from their grandchildren and children but aren't willing to tell those people what it is they want.  Why do they do that? Maybe they don't realize what they are doing. I find myself saying don't be a victim!

•  If you want to talk to your family on your birthday, don't wait all day for the call.  Get on the phone, say "it's my birthday" and sing happy birthday to yourself. Your family will laugh and your birthday will turn into a celebration laced with humor. You will have made your day special. Everyone is a winner.
• If you want thank you cards sent through the mail, include the thank you card with the gift. Address that thank you postcard and include text on the back. Attach a "giggle" or two.They will love it and so will you!  The note could look like this:

Dear Grandma and Grandpa, 

Thank you for the ______________________. I think it is _________________. I will ______________ it when I _______________. I think you are____________________ when you send me present. 

I love you,  

____________________  

PS. Please don't get old and cranky! I would not like that. 

I think you will be surprised when you get the "thank you" card back.  Don't be a victim!

• If you want your children to come visit, invite them for dessert, dinner or even a coffee hour. They will come. Then in the allotted amount of time call and invite yourself to their house for coffee.  Don't stay too long.  If that is what you want, do it and do it today.  Most importantly, don't be a victim. Note: Don't save up a list of chores for them when they come. Give them a gift or a piece of candy.  Rewards will bring them back!  Chores won't!
• If you want a GIFT BASKET for a gift, cut out a picture of the perfect basket and hand it to the poor clueless gift giver.

ONE MORE TIME....DON'T BE A VICTIM!
    The simple fact is we may actually enjoy being a victim.  A little self examination will tell you if that is so.  Our children and grandchildren are busy living. They lean less and less on us as they get mature.  We know in our hearts it is a good thing.  So, as we grow older, we need to carve out a little bit of "importance" in their lives. We continue to teach until the day we die.  Being the matriarch in a family, I know that I need to continue to teach my children/grandchildren to include us in their lives and to do it in ways that satisfy both our needs and theirs. But I will not be a victim of my own making! Never again!  Not ever!

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The Advanced Generation...55+

Iphone Art by b  In the Shadow!

     I have been fumbling around with what to call us.  I really really hate the words that are used when people begin talking about my generation.  I have heard old, aging, nursing home, aging parents, dementia, health issues...enough already.  This is the deal....we are the "ADVANCED GENERATION".  Wise, strong, smart, experienced and best of all willing individuals.  Because we have lived through a lot and have seen todays news before, we have a depth of knowledge you need.  We live in your neighborhood, apartment building or in an assisted living facility near your.  We work and play at your side.  Most of all we influence your life when we vote...in huge numbers.
     I am pushing the idea that if my generation would let themselves, they could be one of the most influential generations ever!   Maybe, if we embrace our wisdom and strength by calling ourselves the "Advanced Generation", it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
    In the meantime, send this to your younger friends along with a message from me:  Talk to us...we have some very good ideas.  Pay attention to us because we are going to be around for a very long time!
     Pass the word!!!
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10 ways to be a good mother-in-law! Advice from an experienced grandmother!

Dear (Abby) Grandma Barbara,I am a very outspoken woman...and as I age I find my mouth running when it should be shut. My son-in-law does not like it. Can you give me some advice?  How do I overcome this problem?

Sincerely,

June 

Dear June,

Trust me, you are not alone.  Dr. Phil and Dear Abby are giving out advice like candy at a Holiday Parade. I can only tell you what I know. I have learned a lot of things over the years. Here are some ideas that you might find helpful.

The In-Laws on the Wedding Day!  Smile while you can!!!!

1. Don't claim a chair in their house as your own. Limit the time you spend with them.  Really...mother-in-laws and company stink after a few visits.
2. Babies are durable!  In another letter a reader said, "I don't get to spend any time with my grandbaby because my daughter-in-law doesn't let me come. Why is that?" It was so obvious to me...many times Grandparents are full of too much advice. They take the complaint about no sleep or diaper rash as an invitation to share their experience. Remember, young parents don't want your advice. It makes them feel inadequate. If your grandchild is in danger, you need to tell them what you know but don't get offended when the children puff up like a horny toad.  Everyone will survive.
3. Buy some Duck Tape.  Going for dinner or a short visit? Take a roll of duck tape with you and use it when needed...on your mouth...hypothetically at least. Shutting your mouth is a good idea. Visualizing duck tape over your mouth might help a lot.
4. Be invisible if possible.  Clean, spend time with the children or your child when the spouse is out of town or at work. The mother-in-law is not necessarily welcome after a hard days work in the son/daughter-in-law's mind.  If you love spending time with the grandchildren, offer to baby sit for a few hours. This means the parents are gone and you get to be in charge for a short period. (Remember to limit the time because this can open a can of worms and you can end up being a full time nanny.)
5. Keep the fire under control. Do not talk about your children-in-law with friends. You will find them reinforcing bad feelings about incidents. If they are mother-in-laws, they probably will add to the fire. You don't need that!
6. Bite your tongue. You need to remember that you could be wrong-wrong-wrong!  A sense of humor and a loving spirit goes a long ways. A sincere apology might be welcome occasionally...you can do that and being right is not that important. Remember, your grandchildren can be taken out of your life if you are not careful.
7. Keep your nose out of it.  It is not any of your business nor should you think it is. When your children married, you became someone else. You are not in charge, you do not pay the bills, you are not in charge!!!!!   
8. Are you subtle as a sledge hammer?  Do you bring medications, home remedies, food recipes, ideas for projects when you visit. How about newspaper clippings!!! Don't do that!  While we think we are being subtle, our children are smart and subtle does not send a good message. I happen to know that a bottle of "Stump Water" is not a welcome gift. I actually received that as a young mother!
9. Remember Marie? You need to be loving, supportive, benign! When you invite and give love you get it in return. A compliment begets peace.  Try watching Everybody Loves Raymond and ask yourself "Do I want to be like Marie?" I think the answer will always be NOOOOOOO!  Not ever.
10. You need a life!!!  Let me say that again. You need a life of your own. I am so sorry about that but your child needs for you to support your own emotional life. A symbiotic relationship (a cooperative relationship ) is not a good thing when it is carried too far. In a perfect world, the spouse will fill that role in a marriage. You need a life of your own so your children can grow and have a life of their own.

So June, there a few suggestions. I hope you find these useful.  With age come experience and I know you have seen too much and are worried or over protective. But you survived and so will your children.  Take it from me...this is an ongoing issue. But being a good mother-in-law is very, very important! And it can be done!

Barbara (Abby)

Take a look at the list below...see I told you everyone had advice!

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